1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember

• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
• If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
• And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really]?

Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far]!

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy]!

Miners Refuse to Work
after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos]!

Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial]!

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[you think]?

Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who would have thunk it]!

Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something]!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape]?

Man Struck By Lightning
Faces BatteryCharge
[he probably IS the battery charge]!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough]?

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead